Fuck it

Mar. 24th, 2010 07:59 pm
severity_softly: (comedians/stand up - maria silly smile)
I just blew off my sponsor and AA and deleted all but two of the AA numbers off my phone, along with some other old numbers I had just been hanging onto. And I feel better.

I got nine months of sobriety on my own, then I went back to AA and have relapsed four times since then. I'm over it, and I feel like a weight has just been lifted. It works for some people, but it obviously doesn't work for me.

ETA: Just deleted the last two numbers. Now to figure out how to return a book I was loaned without having to get mauled by the group of them.

Oh yeah

Mar. 2nd, 2010 09:30 pm
severity_softly: (it crowd - jen is crazycakes)
Did I mention that one of the desserts served at TCYPAA was tiramisu? Yes, really. Is it bad that I think that's funny?



This entry was brought to you by the letter T... and the fact that I just wanted to use this icon.
severity_softly: (misc - alcohol impairs judgment)
Omg you guys, I can barely keep my eyes open. You'll have to excuse typos, as I am having issues reading/seeing. Yes, I am that tired. I've been awake three hours and am on my third Vault. I may have a stroke before I actually wake up. :/

I'm tired because I couldn't go to sleep last night. Yesterday I went to TCYPAA (which is pronounced tick-ee-pah, and stands for Tennessee Conference of Young People in AA). I went alone and was nervous about that. My sponsor, C, was helping organize the conference, but I expected not to really see her (or anyone I knew--the other two people I know who went left before I got there). Thankfully, that wasn't the case.

I got there around 4 and went to the book study on the "We Agnostics" chapter. I was hoping it would be about being an agnostic in AA and how to deal with the God stuff. Instead it was all about finding God. [livejournal.com profile] innerslytherin said maybe it was God trying to tell me something. I told her to stfu. ;)

C plunked down next to me during it, though, and stayed for the rest of the meeting. She handed me a banquet ticket, too. I was just going to eat the free food in the little room off the lobby (it was held at the Crown Plaza downtown), but I think she got a ticket(s?) free for working the event, so I got to eat a fantastic Italian buffet in the ballroom, and actually sit with people I knew.

I was expecting TCYPAA to be huge, and was sort of disappointed that it wasn't, but that was before the speaker meeting. The ballroom was lined with chairs all the way to the back of the room, and I thought there was no way they were going to be filled. But they filled every single seat. The speaker meeting was HUGE! And rowdy! And fun! There were people that came in from other states just to come to TCYPAA. The speaker had some really horrible things he'd done and had happen in his life, but he was really funny too, so it never got too heavy or depressing.

I really enjoyed it. It set me back about $26 (including parking), and that's gonna hurt. It already is, actually. But I'm glad I went. I think it was an important thing for me to attend. I got a lot out of it.

It was the reason I couldn't sleep, though. I got in bed at 10:30, but laid in bed thinking about it until I finally feel asleep around midnight. Ugh. I wish I'd wake up. I wonder if coffee would help or just make me shaky after three Vaults. *sigh* How are you all?

Hmm

Feb. 16th, 2010 09:22 pm
severity_softly: (Default)
Sometimes that therapist lady has some good ideas. She recommended that I put pictures of my niece in my wallet where I could see them if I went for alcohol and got it out to pay. I put three different pics in there so that any way I opened my wallet, I'd see one of them. So today I was in the liquor store, big bottle of cheap whiskey in hand, standing in line. I was trying to decide whether to write a check or use my card when I realized I was going to have to look R right in the face as I paid, no matter what method. I turned right around and put the bottle back on the shelf without hesitation.

Good idea, doc. Good idea.

Reset

Jan. 27th, 2010 11:08 am
severity_softly: (misc - alcohol impairs judgment)
I dumped everything this morning, and reset my count up timer.
severity_softly: (boosh - dave makeup)
In the middle of a relapse. Back to normal soon. I hope.
severity_softly: (boosh - soft)
Resetting my count up clock tomorrow. Again. *sigh*
severity_softly: (boosh - fuck logic)
An alcoholic in his cups is an unlovely creature.

~ AA Big Book, page 16 of the online edition


At a certain point in the drinking of every alcoholic, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of no avail. This tragic situation has already arrived in practically every case long before it is suspected.

~ AA Big Book, page 24 of the online edition

severity_softly: (text - babybel erection)
As it turns out, I didn't have to call C. She called me.

She asked me to go to a meeting in Kodak with some of the other girls from our home group, but I agreed to go out even before she told me what "come out with us tonight" was. lol

Anyway, it was a speaker meeting, and C was speaking, and it turned out to be pretty good. The whole group went to eat at Huddle House afterward. We filled three booths and part of the counter, and the waitress was pretty rude (though she got real nice when it was time for us to go and tip her >.<). I enjoyed it, even if I was the odd man out and the quietest one in the group. A couple others I know are planning to speak at that meeting on the next two Thursdays, so maybe I'll go again if I'm asked.

I think I want to ask C to sponsor me, but I can never seem to get her alone.

Also, I don't want to go back to work tomorrow. :(

*wibbles*

Dec. 3rd, 2009 02:05 pm
severity_softly: (boosh - plan pony!)
I have to call C from AA. There's a big AA Christmas type party on Saturday that's is for every region in our area. Apparently it's huge, and they have a speaker, and yada yada. She called to see if I wanted to meet up with everyone somewhere before hand and then head over.

I think it's a good idea, but I'm scared to call her.

ETA: Update
severity_softly: (it crowd - richmond's such a drama queen)
A few things I learned in AA on Sunday:

Read more... )

Does any of this make me want to drink less? Not much. Heh, the "insanity" of the disease. But it's good to think about this stuff, and to write it out here where I can come back to it when I'm struggling.
severity_softly: (misc - alcohol impairs judgment)
Well, that little experiment failed. I was miserable and scared a few days ago, and it was briefly relieved, but now I'm just miserable and scared again.

I had 322 days. Now I have zero.

Fuck.

Nov. 24th, 2009 01:23 am
severity_softly: (gilda - La Dolce Gilda Dreams...)
I have to reset my countdown clock. Eventually.

Can the holidays please be over now?

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