I AM RAD.

Mar. 7th, 2010 07:27 pm
severity_softly: (it crowd - jen is crazycakes)
I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!
I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!


I spent the last hour of my work day being terrified about telling the GM I was interested in a management position. The owner came in during that hour, and my nerves got worse. They were surprisingly not overwhelming, though.

There's this quote on my user info page, "courage is not the absence of fear, but the judgment that something else is more important than fear" (paraphrased). So I kept telling myself this. I kept telling myself "this is more important than my fear, this is more important than my fear".

So I went to clock out and the owner was on the phone, and their son was in the office, and the GM was talking to me about the time clock issues, and I just left after I clocked out. It just felt like the wrong time. I went outside, got in my car, and sat there. I kept telling myself to go and that I could tell them tomorrow, but after a few moments, I made myself go back inside and back to the office, doing my little mantra: "This is more important than my fear, this is more important than my fear".

The owner was off the phone when I came back in, and both him and the GM (his wife, for those of you not paying attention) were sitting there. Their son was still there, but really? He's 18 and barely does any work around there. I seriously doubt there was a problem speaking in front of him. I said something like "I don't know what positions are left to be filled at the new hotel, but I just wanted to let you know that if there was any sort of front desk management positions, I would be very interested."

His response? "I know. Trust me, we've got our eyes on everyone." I think by the way he said it, that's a good sign. And he's been telling me to set the bar, etc. I hope I'm not getting my hopes up, but it looks good. :)

I probably made a fool of myself, though. I had no pockets so I was clutching my keys in front of myself, and the first thing the GM said to me was "what's wrong?" Which either means she assumed something was wrong that I would come back inside, or that I looked terrified. Probably both. And fuck if I remember what I said after he said they were watching everyone. I don't remember how I said goodbye. Nothing. I just remember what I said about the position, and his reply, and the rest was a blur of omgjafjHFK;GHjfk;HGJHHJK;AShjk;omg.

But I did it. I did it! A year ago I wouldn't have been able to. It's almost a sign of all the progress I've made.
severity_softly: (it crowd - moss/roy kiss your mind)
It's Sunday. Joy. A day of boring work. I was supposed to have yesterday off, but I got called in because someone else was sick. At least I got to go to the movies before I went in to work. We had movie gift certificates from Xmas, so me and the husband went out to see Alice in 3D. It was very good. Of course, what would you expect with Johnny Depp and/or Tim Burton? Anyway, I worked until 11, so I wound up just spending the night at work. I had to come right back and work again in 8 hours anyway. I didn't see the point in going home.

So I am planning to mention moving up to management to my boss. I just can't decide who to talk to. I would imagine the owner is the one in charge of promoting, etc. But his wife is the GM here. She would be easier to talk to, but I'm not sure if it's cheating to go to her when he's probably the one handling it. She IS his wife, though, so I know it will get back to him, and I see her more often. What do you guys think?

Feeling okay on the Wellbutrin. Not crying anymore. I still wish my creativity would return in full force. I hate not being able to come up with ideas to write and/or write the ideas I have. :(
severity_softly: (boosh - fst sunflash/booblay)
So I'm off for the next two days. I spent today at work being depressed because of that. Isn't that the most messed up thing ever? I've gotten to the point that my depression is so bad on my days off that I don't even want them. I did get in to therapy this afternoon, though. I think talking about it helped, and we've added Welbutrin to my repertoire of head meds. The Prozac obviously had no middle ground between feeling emotionless and crying all the time. So we left the Prozac where it is and added the new drug. Hopefully it will help balance me out without making me a zombie. I hadn't realized how bad that actually was until now.

I have some plans for tomorrow, though. Hopefully that will make the day easier. I'm meeting my sponsor at a noon AA meeting. Then later [livejournal.com profile] carolinecrane is taking me out for dinner before we go to another writers group meet up. We'll see if that goes better than the last one.

So I haven't really been talking much about work here, but there is some stuff to catch up on. Our owner is building a new property (well, I think it's almost finished, actually), and he's been talking about bringing people over there to help open the new property. He's told me he wants me to "set the standard", and I have been trying to do that. I know he often (at least he used to) promotes from within, and I'm really hoping that I will be considered for a managers position. The problem is that I'm afraid I might be getting my hopes up for a position that's not even on the table. Dr. M says I should just outright ask him, that I should make it known that I want that. This is a prospect that terrifies me. Any thoughts, guys?

Randomly, I was talking to my sponsor today, and God came up again. What she said was something that had been talked about in the convention too. The AA thing is "God either is or he isn't". If forced to make that choice right now, I would say he isn't. So where does that leave me in AA? *sigh*
severity_softly: (text - babybel erection)
As it turns out, I didn't have to call C. She called me.

She asked me to go to a meeting in Kodak with some of the other girls from our home group, but I agreed to go out even before she told me what "come out with us tonight" was. lol

Anyway, it was a speaker meeting, and C was speaking, and it turned out to be pretty good. The whole group went to eat at Huddle House afterward. We filled three booths and part of the counter, and the waitress was pretty rude (though she got real nice when it was time for us to go and tip her >.<). I enjoyed it, even if I was the odd man out and the quietest one in the group. A couple others I know are planning to speak at that meeting on the next two Thursdays, so maybe I'll go again if I'm asked.

I think I want to ask C to sponsor me, but I can never seem to get her alone.

Also, I don't want to go back to work tomorrow. :(

*wibbles*

Dec. 3rd, 2009 02:05 pm
severity_softly: (boosh - plan pony!)
I have to call C from AA. There's a big AA Christmas type party on Saturday that's is for every region in our area. Apparently it's huge, and they have a speaker, and yada yada. She called to see if I wanted to meet up with everyone somewhere before hand and then head over.

I think it's a good idea, but I'm scared to call her.

ETA: Update
severity_softly: (it crowd - richmond's such a drama queen)
A few things I learned in AA on Sunday:

Read more... )

Does any of this make me want to drink less? Not much. Heh, the "insanity" of the disease. But it's good to think about this stuff, and to write it out here where I can come back to it when I'm struggling.
severity_softly: (misc - alcohol impairs judgment)
Well, that little experiment failed. I was miserable and scared a few days ago, and it was briefly relieved, but now I'm just miserable and scared again.

I had 322 days. Now I have zero.

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