My name is Jennifer, and I'm an... yes, they actually say that.

[severity_softly]

A few things I learned in AA on Sunday:

1. A relapse is not the end of the world as long as you come back again. Almost everyone has done it. It's more about the "insanity" the disease produces (and I'm finally starting to accept that it is a disease), and does not indicate an inability or lack of desire to make good choices.

2. AA is not for people who need it, but for people who want it. Coming back in and admitting my relapse proved I want it.

3. I've heard this before, but never experienced it until this time: 'AA will completely ruin your drinking career'. LOL I felt on top of the world one out of the four days I drank.

4. I can call and babble on people's answering machines until I'm more comfortable talking on the phone. A couple people even told me when they weren't going to be able to answer. LOL

5. A lot of people who have been around AA for a while have met people in AA that wound up dying from the disease. If I stick around long enough, I probably will too. This is frightening because of 1) my abandonment issues, and 2) I could just as easily die from this as anyone else in the program.

6. This particular group of women I'm meeting with can get me from twitchy and not meeting anyone's eyes to laughing in an hour. And if they can, they invite you to go out or into their homes after bad meetings. If I hadn't found this group, I swear I may not have quit again so quickly. I want to be able to have them to keep talking to.

6b. And it's not just them. It's innerslytherin and resolucidity and carolinecrane too (among others). My life has changed SO much in the last year, and this relapse has made that more apparent to me than it was before. I'm still working on stuff, but I have a lot of things I didn't before (like RL friends, and I know my niece better now than I did before). The last two days I was drunk I spent a huge amount of time crying because I knew I would lose all of that if I didn't stop. I never had a reason like that to stop before.

Does any of this make me want to drink less? Not much. Heh, the "insanity" of the disease. But it's good to think about this stuff, and to write it out here where I can come back to it when I'm struggling.

Comments

[mcgarrygirl78.livejournal.com]

I love you Jenn. You're strong and brave. You're learning and growing and changing and you want these things and I totally support you : )

*hugs*

[innerslytherin]

I just love you so freaking much. I don't have anything of real value to say here, because a lot of this we've talked about in some form or other. I'm so grateful to have you around, and I'm so glad you have this group. So so glad.

<3

[katewallace.livejournal.com]

*hugs* It is so wonderful that you have found this group! I hope (and pray) that you will continue to find the strength to keep going to meetings and resist the temptation to drink again. And if you should stumble, we'll be here to pick you up! <3

[aunty_marion]

That sounds absolutely brilliant! I laughed at some of your list, honestly.

But yes, like any 'addiction', it's a disease. OTOH, it's got a cure, which you're working on refining. Congratulations on going back to AA meetings and admitting your relapse, and on keeping on working on not having another!

[resolucidity.livejournal.com]

I think you did a great job picking yourself up and dusting yourself off. That is a testament in itself. A lot of people believe in you, and I hope you can draw strength from that if the well starts to dry. This AA group is a great thing for you...especially thinking back a few months ago at how much you didn't want to go, and it really turned out so much better than you imagined, right? I am very proud of you, and even more proud that you are my friend. The world is a much better place with you in it.
*HUGS*