I am not human.

I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!
I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!

I spent the last hour of my work day being terrified about telling the GM I was interested in a management position. The owner came in during that hour, and my nerves got worse. They were surprisingly not overwhelming, though.

There's this quote on my user info page, "courage is not the absence of fear, but the judgment that something else is more important than fear" (paraphrased). So I kept telling myself this. I kept telling myself "this is more important than my fear, this is more important than my fear".

So I went to clock out and the owner was on the phone, and their son was in the office, and the GM was talking to me about the time clock issues, and I just left after I clocked out. It just felt like the wrong time. I went outside, got in my car, and sat there. I kept telling myself to go and that I could tell them tomorrow, but after a few moments, I made myself go back inside and back to the office, doing my little mantra: "This is more important than my fear, this is more important than my fear".

The owner was off the phone when I came back in, and both him and the GM (his wife, for those of you not paying attention) were sitting there. Their son was still there, but really? He's 18 and barely does any work around there. I seriously doubt there was a problem speaking in front of him. I said something like "I don't know what positions are left to be filled at the new hotel, but I just wanted to let you know that if there was any sort of front desk management positions, I would be very interested."

His response? "I know. Trust me, we've got our eyes on everyone." I think by the way he said it, that's a good sign. And he's been telling me to set the bar, etc. I hope I'm not getting my hopes up, but it looks good. :)

I probably made a fool of myself, though. I had no pockets so I was clutching my keys in front of myself, and the first thing the GM said to me was "what's wrong?" Which either means she assumed something was wrong that I would come back inside, or that I looked terrified. Probably both. And fuck if I remember what I said after he said they were watching everyone. I don't remember how I said goodbye. Nothing. I just remember what I said about the position, and his reply, and the rest was a blur of omgjafjHFK;GHjfk;HGJHHJK;AShjk;omg.

But I did it. I did it! A year ago I wouldn't have been able to. It's almost a sign of all the progress I've made.

So I'm off for the next two days. I spent today at work being depressed because of that. Isn't that the most messed up thing ever? I've gotten to the point that my depression is so bad on my days off that I don't even want them. I did get in to therapy this afternoon, though. I think talking about it helped, and we've added Welbutrin to my repertoire of head meds. The Prozac obviously had no middle ground between feeling emotionless and crying all the time. So we left the Prozac where it is and added the new drug. Hopefully it will help balance me out without making me a zombie. I hadn't realized how bad that actually was until now.

I have some plans for tomorrow, though. Hopefully that will make the day easier. I'm meeting my sponsor at a noon AA meeting. Then later carolinecrane is taking me out for dinner before we go to another writers group meet up. We'll see if that goes better than the last one.

So I haven't really been talking much about work here, but there is some stuff to catch up on. Our owner is building a new property (well, I think it's almost finished, actually), and he's been talking about bringing people over there to help open the new property. He's told me he wants me to "set the standard", and I have been trying to do that. I know he often (at least he used to) promotes from within, and I'm really hoping that I will be considered for a managers position. The problem is that I'm afraid I might be getting my hopes up for a position that's not even on the table. Dr. M says I should just outright ask him, that I should make it known that I want that. This is a prospect that terrifies me. Any thoughts, guys?

Randomly, I was talking to my sponsor today, and God came up again. What she said was something that had been talked about in the convention too. The AA thing is "God either is or he isn't". If forced to make that choice right now, I would say he isn't. So where does that leave me in AA? *sigh*